


thinking of doctordonna

by fanwit



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, No Dialogue, each doctor has a small section so don't expect TOO much from the pairing tags, it's sad apparently beware
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22777876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanwit/pseuds/fanwit
Summary: The Doctor thinks about Donna and copes in their own ways.
Relationships: Eleventh Doctor/Donna Noble, The Doctor/Donna Noble, Thirteenth Doctor/Donna Noble, Twelfth Doctor/Donna Noble
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	thinking of doctordonna

At night, the Doctor lies in his bed and dreams. He fantasizes of having Donna. Donna, there right by his side on San Helios. There on Mars, to stop him, there to save him again like she always did.

The Doctor misses his best friend dearly. But no, the pain must be from seeing Rose move on. Seeing Rose kiss someone else. He had lost two that day and he would do anything to change that day.

But here he is, pretending he still has Donna. That she's just sleeping in her bedroom and he's planning the next adventure they'll go on. They'll go to Florana, make up for the library adventure. Donna'll love that.

The Doctor closes his eyes and wishes Donna was here. Donna'd do a good job of stopping him from moping.

* * *

Sometimes when he looks at Amy, for a brief moment, he thinks he's with Donna again. But it's splendid wonderful Amy and he's fine with that.

The Doctor's got Amy, Rory and River and he couldn't be any happier. It's much easier to look _forward_ than back.

Although in his moments of weakness, when he's lying in bed after a silly little nightmare, he thinks backwards. Thinks of those he lost. But he's got alive companions! That's fine! Honest but it's not always enough to snap him out of his funk.

The Doctor doesn't want to be in the console room when he's like that, he can't let Amy down. Poor poor Amy, the girl who waited. Well, woman but he still saw her as the little girl he first met. So he closes his eyes and imagines. He dreams of a world where everything is _fine_ and he's happy and there's River. And Jenny. And Donna.

Silly silly old Doctor, he thinks of Donna and guilt always creeps in. So to make it up to Donna, he makes her as happy as he can. She likes kissing and snogging and getting married so quite naturally he does just that. And well, sometimes more, and it's _easy_ to go along. It's _easy_ to imagine Donna's smile and her _Doctor_ and the way she glowed. Glows. She's the most important woman in the universe and the Doctor can see it in these moments.

And when he gasps and gives in, he cleans up after himself with no sense of guilt whatsoever. It's fine. He's got Amy, Rory and River and everything is perfect. He's made it up to Donna and maybe he thinks of Donna a bit too often but he can do whatever he wants. He's the Doctor and he's declaring thinking of Donna is cool.

* * *

He can't avoid thinking of Donna. Every time he looks in a mirror, he's reminded of his and Donna's worst moment together. The brief moment where they both had thought the Doctor would leave Pompeii. He's reminded of Donna crying and _begging_.

So the Doctor will be better. He will save _someone_ and be the best Doctor he can be. As someone... had asked him to be. The warrior, the hero and the Doctor. A promise.

But he will still lose. 

And god, he lost so many. He's lost his memories and Bill and River. Nardole and Missy. Everything that kept him going is gone.

He doesn't have Donna, his face a painful reminder, and funnily enough, River was also a reminder. Despite his last incarnation running from everything, he still loved River despite the guilt that came with her. He doesn't have River anymore, her just going off to meet Donna. Yes, to meet Donna and he isn't going to think of what else happened that day. And River's parents, Amy and Rory are also gone. So is Bill, her beaming smile and quick wit he'll never see again. And he's lost someone very important, someone who he can't put a name to.

Memories are not enough.

But when he tries to imagine like he used to, close his eyes and dream of a world with Donna, it doesn't work. Yes, he can imagine Donna but he can't imagine her saying _Doctor_ or kissing him or _loving_ him. He can only bring memories. No matter how much he tries, the _Doctor_ never flows quite right and his mind stutters and the Doctor pushes the sadness deep down inside him.

He has nobody now, not even his imagination.

* * *

She is fine. The Doctor is fine, just as fine as she can be. She has Yasmin, Ryan and Graham. Every single one of them is good and none of them reminds her of Donna. Except as silly as it may seem, she feels ever the slightest bit free.

It's hard, stepping away from the memory of Gallifrey and losing everyone she's ever loved. But she doesn't want to tell her companions the truth. She doesn't want them to see her, the real her, because she so wants to be what she should be. She should be kind and never cruel or cowardly. So many things she should be and yet...

Donna is constantly at the back of her mind. Gallifrey is constantly at the back of her mind. Well, front of her really. But everything is a reminder still, despite everything being so different. Nothing is connected but the Doctor keeps finding ways to connect with Donna.

And she _needs_. She _needs_ so badly for someone to see the real her. She's been hiding and her companions are trying so hard to help but she can't do it.

And when she imagines kissing Donna, loving Donna, it's so easy. So easy and right. Her _Doctor_ is right and her _Donna_ comes naturally and there is no guilt, only relief. Because Donna's her best friend and they can do this. They can make it through.


End file.
